Please Don't Waste Your Time Reading This

run on you crazy sentences, run on!


this is a long form story. I could split it up into chapters for easy reading but I won't. I could serialize it overtime so that I don't end up shozing other stories off the front page like a, um, guy that shoves things or something I guess. heck, I won't even use paragraphs, and I honestly don't expect anyone to read this in it's entirety straight through in one single solitary sitting while munching on microwaved popcorn and taking the phone off the hook which I realize is an outdated phrase in this day and age but I don't really care and besides you can get these cool old rotary phones nowdays that have been retrofitted with cellular technology so that you can use them anywhere like for example sitting in a bar wearing a fedora while typing away on an old remington typewriter with your old style phone with moder technology sitting right there ext to you like some archetypal image of a crime writer in like the forties or something which you can't do with some silly iPhone that doesn't have any buttons on it so you can't even dial it by feel like you can with just about every other phone out there which is ridiculous if you ask me because we were born with these things called fingers and part of the way in which we relate to the world around us is by tactile sensation so I generally oppose touch screen technology on that basis but also because it is kind of uncomfortable because buttons have more give which reduced the impact on fingers unlike the touch screens which leave your fingers feeling as though you've gone ten rounds finger boxing with george foreman which I realize sounds kinda dirty but it isn't unless you turn the term "finger boxing" into a brand new slang term or sex act which I do hope you don't. but I digress. anyway, like I was saying, I don't expect anyone to read all of this and in fact I don't even approve of that because you should have better things to do than read the entire rambling text of this piece and if you did I think you would find that I have even cheated in places for example sitting in a bar wearing a fedora while typing away on an old remington typewriter with your old style phone with moder technology sitting right there ext to you like some archetypal image of a crime writer in like the forties or something which you can't do with some silly iPhone that doesn't have any buttons on it so you can't even dial it by feel like you can with just about every other phone out there which is ridiculous if you ask anyone of high position in modern society such as that one guy that I saw riding a segue once while decked out in a spandex cycling suit with rearview mirrors on his helmet and a sleak pair of sunglasses cause I guess he's training for competitive segueing or something, anyway I bet that guy was first in line for an iPhone, am I right people? but please do yourself a favor and don't read this entire thing because it is my hope that I will be able to bury secret communications to the CIA in this which i just realize is probably saying too much and I may have blown my cover but until the hit squads come for me I want to relay the following to miguel: the penguin flies at midnight and it is indeed a lovely day as long as you have the microfilm hidden in the heel of your shoe which is by the way the laziest code phrase I have ever seen in my career in international espionage for fucks sake people! so if you're just joining us, don't read that last part unless you are miguel in which case do read that last part or your whole mission is in jeopardy and speaking of it's on right now, oh wait it's not because it's sunday. damn I hate it when that happens. this part right here was added on monday morning at ten twenty four AM, no, actually ten eleven. I don't have any idea where the twenty four came from that's really weird I think. I burnt my upper lip on a chimichanga last night which really hurt and blistered up but of course I had to pop the blister because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to hold my breath under water because the blister would prevent my lips from sealing and water would leak in and presumably I would drown all because of the good people at El Monterey frozen chimichanga and burrito company which on the one hand I feel like a traitor for supporting because Reesers is local but their chimichangas aren't nearly as good even though their frozen burritos are about equal but I don't feel too bad about it since I saw a thing on PBS once about howthe El Monterey company is a responsible corporate citizen and treats their workers fairly so it's not like I'm supporting a company that is really evil and who knows maybe Reesers is one such company I don't know about that but I can say that I did jury duty once and this guy on the jury worked for Reesers as a mechanic maintaining the factory equipment but he didn't have anything to say that was negative about them so I guess they're all right. so anyway I really wish robyn would write more for the site don't you all? c'mon people, tell robyn how much you all like her stuff cause maybe then she'll write more of it so we can all read more of it because it's damn cool, so let's hear it for robyn! I think she's a little turned off by all the posting of stuff from peoples archives that are totally inflating the post count around here which I can understand cause it does kind of make it a little intimidating and I imagine that she's not the only one around here that feels that way but I for one have only posted one thing that I had on file and every other one of my pieces has been written specifically for the site which I don't mean to come off as bragging or anything but rather just to let you know that I have way too much time on my hands which if you have gotten this far so do you. so my goal with this is to reach the novelette level like mike did earlier today but so far I'm only at 889 words which means I have 6605 words to go until I reach the 7500 words needed for a novelette and some of you might be thinking that those numbers don't add up right but they do if you take into account the running tally like I did so there! the grasshopper crows at 8 am in the afternoon. now I realize that this is not even close to finished but this sure is getting tiring so far so I think I'll fill some space with a bold-faced act of plagiarism. ISBN: 0-440-21415-7. see that there, I'm a rebel! watch as i flagrantly do it again: newly translated by Stanley and Eleanor Hochman. I am such a risk taker! but it's like the man once said, "a quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog", which I quoted only because I wasn't sure if I would use a "Z" or an "X" in this and I wanted to make sure because I am obsessive compulsive that way however not in the way that I would notice that I used both "Z" and "X" in explaining that which is wierd and kinda offputting when you think about it not unlike when people don't uses punctuation often enough like I am doing now or, use, punctuation, too, much, like, right, here, or even use: it* wrongly? is all this messing with your perception of reality which as some would say is and illusion anyway particularly if you subscribe to the notion that this is all a dream and there is no way that we would ever know it in it's own context except that things are in color but I tend to dream in color so I think it's just the colorblind dreamers that say that but they always say "well you may think you're dreaming in color but it's really just your mind adding the the colors" which is total bullshit because isn't your mind adding the whole damn dream in the first place?

intermission

is a pretty good irish movie I saw awhile ago that stars colin farrel, cilian murphy, and that guy that played the engineer on star trek: the next generation but they seem to play it way too often on cable so I'm kinda burnt out on it but if you get the chance you should check it out because it's pretty cool. are you still reading? how many times do I have to tell you not to read this whole thing? what is wrong with you? I mean, McG goes and posts a whole coherent story of nearly ten thousand words (which btw I haven't gotten around to reading, sorry) and you have to go and waste your time reading this meaningless tripe right here? well to each their own I suppose. and if you're keeping track I am only up to 1364 words right now so thing could take awhile. with that in mind I think I will take a momentary break and post this with the plan being to come back later and edit this post to add more useless run-on sentences like this one but except for will not necessarily add to it consecutively because right now I will go in and slip a whole bunch of shit into the middle of it so I unfortunately won't be able to do it serially that way, sorry mike. I have noticed that there are a fair amount of typo's in this so far and I don't really care because I want the fossil record of this post to reflect my haste in writing this because otherwise what is the point of writing endless streams of nothingness with all the artistry of a two-year-old that won't shut up because he just wants to hear his own voice? so did anyone read the part I added about the stuff and things and junk? well if you didn't I'm not going to tell you where I put it so you're just going to have to go back and read that part all over again and while I know that is about as enticing a prospect and a root canal that is the price you pay for not heeding my warnings and by the way don't you just hate it when your pinKY FINGER ACCIDENTILLY HITS THE CAPS LOCK WHILE YOU'RE TYPING BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO STOP TYPING SO YOU JUST LET It slide for a little bit with the intention of going back and fixing it later which is a pain because you have to type it all over again and if you make the same mistake then you're caught in an infinite loop which is perhaps evidence of a temporal paradox which I have to think would mean the end of time as we know it so that is why I oppose time travel unless it's through a some sort of dimensional conveyance like how they say that maybe there's a separate dimension for every possible outcome of every possible event so that somewhere there is a dimension exactly like this one but with the only difference being that a temporal paradox doesn't cause the end of time as we know it so that is why I oppose time travel unless it's through a some sort of dimensional conveyance like how they say that maybe there's a separate dimension for every possible outcome of every possible event so that somewhere there is a dimension exactly like this one but with the only difference being that a temporal paradox doesn't cause the end of time as we know it so that is why I oppose time travel unless it's through a some sort of dimensional conveyance like how they say that maybe there's a separate dimension for every possible outcome of every possible event so that somewhere there is a dimension exactly like this one but with the only difference being that a temporal paradox doesn't cause the end of time as we know it which it does in this dimension and that is why I get pissed off everytime I watch Back To The Future and speaking of which did you know there is supposed to be some warehouse in texas that has all of the unused delorean parts and that you can have them build you a brand new delorean from those brand new leftover parts for something like twentyfive grand which I think would be pretty cool and I suspect that if you were to slip them a franklin they might even trick it out to look like the one in the movie but even if they wouldn't do that I would still have to make myself a little flux capacitor mockup and stick it in the back because why the hell wouldn't you unless you didn't like that movie for some reason in which case you have a heart of cold black stone I mean I can understand not liking the sequels although I actually think part three is pretty damn good but what was I getting at I'm totally lost here I think it was something about nothing but I can't be sure. to be continued like I am doing right now so did anyone read todays paper because I know I didn't but I probably should except for thAT DAMN CAPS LOCK AGAIN DID i MEntion how I hate it when that happens because I'm pretty sure I did so that was just a test to see if you're still with me and if you are reading this part right here that I am writing now than you have passed or failed I'm not even sure which at this point so just define your own standards for victory over this monster of a post that I am making but I'm fairly sure that you'll get sick of it by the time it reaches three thousand words but that hasn't happened yet so stop yawning will you because that is kind of rude. and speaking of ostriches did you know that the first draft of the script for the film Planet of the Apes was written by Twilight Zone autuer Rod Serling well you probably did know that if you know me in real life because that if one of my favorite pieces of trivia to bring up in conversation because I am such a big fan of rod serling and the twilight zone but back when I was a kid twilight zone was long cancelled and rod serling was long dead so I watched alot of Tales From the Darkside even though the opening credits sequence was always scarier than the rest of the show, but it never failed to give me nightmares on the strength of that alone and if you think I'm talking about Tales from the Crypt then you are wrong because that was a completely different show but tales from the darkside was pretty cool and one funny thing was that they had this episode starring Jerry Stiller as a talk radio host and he kept getting angrier and more foaming at the mouth during his show and started sprouting horns and hoof and by the end of the show it was clear that he was in hell and then the funny thing is that some years later his son Ben had his own show called the Ben Stiller show and he spoofed that Tales from the Darkside episode which I thought was pretty good but probably explains part of why that show got canceled because how many people would have seen that tales from the darkside episode and got the reference but I was just reminded of it because writing this thing here kinda feels like that in a way but nevermind that because I had such a big crush on jeanene garafalo back then cause she was so cute and bitter but the funny thing is is that I was a moderator for the Air America message boards a few years ago and she had this show on there with this other guy and a posting I made actually got mentioned on the air by janeane herself which I think is pretty cool cause that means she noticed my existence and acknoledged it which makes me happy. but back to the business at hand, I was reading recently and article about how they have invented cloaking technology except that it only works on some obscure band of the light spectrum that is invisible to the human eye but once they figure out how to do it in the visible spectrum they can hide shit in plain sight like for example buildings that might otherwise be blocking a view which I guess would kinda suck if your view of choice is the city skyline or if you have a meeting in that building so that when you get there you're all like "hey where is the building I'm supposed to go to?" and people are all like "it's right there, duh!" and you're all like "don't be fucking with me like that I know there is not building right there and you are lying to me for your own amusement which is very annoying so I think I will will walk away from your right now and not waste my time and instead go to a restaurant and order a nice filet mignon because that sounds really good to me right now and I'm here out of town on an expense account so why not right unless of course they have invented cloaking technology which is hiding the building that you keep insisting is there in which case I apologize and please take this twenty-five dollar bill as a token of my apologies even though you doubt the existence of a twenty-five dollar bill but it is the future today so who knows, right?" and that's exactly what you'd say. more to co-