A Brief History of Polytheism

how did polytheism come about? I think it went something like this...



the farmer harvests his crops, thanking great Harvey The Harvester for his bounty.

the fisherman pulls in his net, for Sammy the Sea Scourge has been merciful this year.

the grape stomper and the drunks alike revel, and in gratitude to Aaron the Alcohol Artisan they party like it's 99.

the nomadic merchant travels between the villages, distributing the goods of one village to the villages that do not produce them. for Terri the Trade Titan he plunges a coin into the river as he crosses it.

inside their walled fort the mercenary tribe hones their blades in anticipation of the next days battle. to Warren the War Wanker each soldier prays, in hopes that the next day will not be their last.

and in the moonlight two young lovers sacrifice fluids to Lucy the Love Lady.

in time it was realized by all how much each community relied on the others. a meeting was arranged of the heads of each village. the fishermen would supply fish to all, the farmers would supply vegetables and grain to all, the winemakers would get them all nicely drunk and reasonably safe from water born microorganisms, the merchants would facilitate the transportation of these goods, and the mercenaries would protect the villages and trade routes from bandits and other villages with malign intent. it was agreed, and a wise ruler, Steve, was elected to facilitate the unification. in the drunken celebration that sealed the deal, an argument erupted. "why, our god is the greatest, for he makes food arise from nothing but soil!" spake the farmers representative.

"ha! Sammy controls the infinite ocean, and can drown you all on a whim!" the fishing delegate replied.

"you fools, can you not see that Aaron is the true god, for it is his magical elixir that *hic* *mumble*, *mumble*, mumble*, and another thing..." said the winemakers rep before collapsing sideways from his stool.

"um yeah, anyhoo... alls I can say is Terri ensures my safe travel along dangerous roads, so that is the god I must worship." said the merchant.

"you are all at our mercy, for we could pillage your village...es if we so desired!" the general interjected, "and since our god, Warren, would back our campaign he must be the mightiest of all the gods!"

"hey man, all you need is Lucy. all you need is Lucy! Lucy! Lucy is all you need!" announced a bard they had brought in to entertain and record the proceedings.

no one knew who threw the rock, but it hit the bard square in the lute, and a full on fistfight broke out. Steve took his scepter and smashed it on the table. "ENOUGH! none of your gods are the chief of gods! I have been told of... um... well, like, there's this other god, um, Jerry see, and uh, he like, um, is, would you believe, the father of all of them, yeah, that's it! yeah, so he's the father of them, and I dunno, maybe he vomited them up, or like, y'know, they hatched from his head like an egg. and maybe some other gods to be named later were the product of incestuous relations he had with... well, at any rate that's not important right now. what's important is that he's the big cheese, got it? so go on worshipping your other gods, but worship him too, cause he's king of all the gods. oh, also he influenced you all to elect me. what's that Jerry? I'm to be leader for life? well okay, if you insist. and my children will inherit this position from me? well, doesn't seem fair to me, but you're the boss. and gold? lot's of gold?"

perhaps it was the wine, but everyone agreed that Steve made alot of sense and stopped fighting. in time the details of the interactions of the gods were refined by the storytellers until a cohesive lineage and history were settled upon. within a few generations someone came to the conclusion that if the universe was ruled by a plurality of deities, then shouldn't their nation be ruled by a plurality of leaders? and so Billy, son of Chuck, son of Wendy, daughter of Steve was bludgeoned to death and a council was established to mirror the pantheon of the gods.

and all was good throughout the land.

until it all fell to shit. but that's a story for another time.