The Valve

a cautionary tale of lust and environmental catastrophe.
inspired by a true story. really. only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. and the story itself. but apparently there is a valve, and apparantly some idiot turned it. this is probably fairly close to how it happened.


"okay rookie, you're new here, so let me show you around. this is the breakroom. there's a vending machine, and shitty coffee. over here are the bathrooms, and to your left is the catwalk, from which you'll be expected to test the PH twice daily."
Cam looked in awe at the beauty and majesty of it all and started to think he was maybe in over his head.
"oh," added Terry before ending the orientation tour, "and this here is the valve that dumps raw sewage directly into the river. you should never, ever, under any circumstances turn the that valve, no matter how seductively it beckons you to do it's bidding with it's tight red rubberized handle and threading that goes all the way up..."
"why'd they install it" Cam asked.
"...glistening beads of moisture dripping down it's-- oh, why'd they install it you ask? well, no ones really sure, but in accordance with federal regulations we put up this here sign:" Terry pointed to a piece of corrugated cardboard with the words 'DO NOT TOUCH! BAD! NO NO!' scrawled upon it in blue Bic ballpoint just above a childlike rendering of a skull and crossbones.
"so," Cam openly surmised, "that must've been installed decades ago before the environmental risks hadn't been considered."
"no, actually they put it in just last year, the day after the sign went up." Terry corrected. "yeah, we got a guy that comes in twice a week to perform routine maintenance on it and polish it's sweet, supple curves..."
"wow terry, you sure know alot about the job around here!" said Cam admiringly.
"well, when you've put in as much time as I have you get to know the place pretty well." strutted Terry.
"wow, how long is that?"
"well, they originally hired me to put up the sign."
"wow!"

two weeks passed, and Cam was still learning the ropes. but he was getting the hang of it. each morning he would go to the breakroom to drink some bad coffee and consume twinkies from the vending machine. then he would go use the bathroom. then he would go and check the PH twice. then it was time to clock out and go home. only once did he get the order of operations confused, much to the frustration of the vending machine companies service rep. so he was doing all right. then one day after his daily check of the PH he leaned back against the wall to sip his bad coffee. out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of the valve. it's sweet red rubber gave a come-hither look. "no," cam said aloud, "you're charms won't work on me, I read the sign."
"come to meee"
"what was that?"
"what're'ya, deaf of sumthin?!"
"no, bad valve! I shall not listen to you anymore, nosireebob!" said Cam indignantly, and walked away to use the bathroom.

the next day cam repeated his daily routine as normal. he knew he shouldn't, but he took a gander at the valve anyway. this time it looked rather different. it seemed to be wearing fishnet stockings for some reason.
"c'mon big boy, gimme a whirl", and then it somehow winked at him.
"you're barking up the wrong tree," Cam assured the valve, "I have a circuit breaker box at home that I'm committed to."
"oh pshaw, it never has to know about us."
"you lie!" we both know that if I come home smelling of valve the breaker will know what's been going on, and shut off all my appliances!"
"hey baby, what's life without a little risk, right?"
Cam put his fingers in his ears and ran away shouting "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, NA NA NA!"

the following day Cam made sure not to make eye contact with the valve, which was difficult since it didn't have eyes. nevertheless, he heard it's sirens call whispering "cammy baby, I'm all wet over here. could you come and towel me off with that greasy rag you have hanging off your belt? pwetty pwease?"
"okay, I guess, but only because a slippery valve is a safety hazard"
"oh, of course honeycakes..."
Cam caressed it's supple features with his greasy rag. "no, I shouldn't" cam said to himself. "it's so wrong, but it feels oh so right!"
"that's it, baby, get all of that wetness dried up" cooed the valve "oh look, now I'm all greasy. I guess you're just gonna have to do something about that, right?"
"yeah baby!" succumbed Cam. but at that very moment the valve maintenance person grabbed him by his shoulder and pulled him back. he turned around and wagged his finger back and forth sternly.

when Cam came in to work the next day his hair was combed neatly, and a clip-on bow tie graced the collar of his coveralls. cradled in his arms was a dozen roses. he passed right by the break room, past the bathroom, and straight into the arms of his beloved valve. "okay baby, let's do this thing!"
"yes, take me you animal!"
and with that he turned the handle of the valve

AOOOOGAAH! AOOOOGAAH!

the alarms didn't phase Cam as he cuddled with the valve in post-turning bliss. terry rushed down the catwalk as fast as he could. "what did you do?! what the fuck did you do?!"
"ah..but..but..the valve was calling out to me!" exclaimed Cam in shrinking defense.
"do you have any idea what this means?! you just flooded the river with raw sewage!"
"but I didn't mean to, honest!"
"no excuses! current federal regulations are very strict on this issue: two weeks suspension with pay, and may god have mercy on your soul!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

the end.

or is it?

yeah, it is.