Dark Night Repast (1st draft)

For my friend Dennis Mcbride


THE REST OF IT GOES HERE
Dark night 2

I can’t talk to friends again
until I am the I that’s fun,
until I am the I they love
the clock is a sadist
my mom is worried
I tell her I’m fine I keep to the surface
the surface preserves my life
5 minute phone call I can do it
I keep to the surface
work is fine, writing makes me happy
my friends great, genius
Mondays and Tuesdays are genius
but it’s Wednesday now, Wednesday
I say how are you,
dad, brother, sister, nieces, nephew
I say it so quick run on I can’t care
I am disaster, disconnect
everybody ok?, I’m ok, really, really
I’m not there, riffling through papers,
looking for a word to help me
I’m a kite snagged in a tree,
that’s nice mom I hear myself say, voice other,
not mine, holding back panic
cheeks full of it, hand covering
mouth, I’m busy I love you,
how do I tell my mother my dishes grow mold
this is disconnect, disaster, I am bystander
to my body, hunched shadow with cigarette
if I were like you mom, I could throw my soul
into a strong man’s arms and take refuge too
Enjoy your refuge. I’m happy you found it.
I can’t, I can’t, I’ll call you soon.
my claws and fangs worn down civilized!
I’ll never be that wild thing
where the wild things are, a child
happy eternal in a book
the timeless to time transition I never wished for came true
the snow used to glide onto my tongue
sweet cold pleasure winter
winter bad now, bad now spring, summer fall
Don’t feel my head for heat
Don’t stick that thing in my rectum
when I say I’m too sick for school
I’m not sick that way
I’m remnant of animal
the pet bird understands me
she won’t sing or eat
I won’t sing or eat
she just decided to die
somehow I knew it
communed, figured it out, grieved
do not pluck a rose for me
do not lay me cold in a suit I never wore
do not let strangers make me up
I make me up
lay me in the wild blue flowers
beneath wild sky and timeless moon
let me be food in my final posture
wild I rise,
night not dark
there is light