Dear Patty

I just sent an ex-girlfriend the following:


THE REST OF IT GOES HERE
Dear Patty,
I know we haven’t spoken for 15 years, but the other night I was curious and looked you up on the internet. Congratulations, you’ve become a successful, rich lawyer. You do remember me, don’t you? I’m Mike G the poet. We dated for 4 months and you got straight As that term. You thanked me for that after breaking up with me on the way home from that unfortunate Chicago trip. Look, Patty, I didn’t mean to stick it in your ass. It was just dark, I thought it was your mouth. A man gets confused sometimes, wants to do the right thing, fucks up anyway, but you know that. Let’s not linger on the past. You intimated while I was crying in your car that maybe I was partly responsible for your academic success. You said that I was your first real boyfriend, the first man in your life to respect your Catholic duty to preserve the integrity of your cherry till marriage. Remember how cute it was when I’d walk towards you in slow motion shaking my dick, quoting Pablo Neruda: “I want to do with you what Spring does with the cherry trees.” You never seemed to laugh as much as I did, but um, I remember it fondly, and it was cute wasn’t it? Oh, let’s see--I’m sure you’re dying to know what I’ve been up to. I think you’ll be proud of me Patty. I left that cold, broken Michigan which made me so sad. I left a child-wife and a bad God behind. I sought and I found asylum in Portland Oregon. My succession of shitty jobs and parasitic relationships have finally paid off. They’ve informed my unique perspective and finally I’m confident in my writing. I’ve found the poets Patty! I belong somewhere for once. I belong in their company and I’ve never been happier. If these words bring a tear of joy to your eye I understand. To be honest I was pretty pathetic when you knew me. I was an anchor around your neck and you had to cut the rope. I forgive you. I’m happy that you’ve prospered. That you’ve moved on somehow from our unique love. I’m not asking you to take me back. I enjoy my freedom too much for that, and sorry if that disappoints you but if you’re ever in Portland maybe you can come, come hear me read! Fuck Pablo Neruda! Patty! I’ll write my own ecstatic Mike G cherry tree poem in your honor. Can you come in the summer? Does that work for you? You could crash at my place and don’t worry. I’ve matured. A lot. You’d be proud of my penis. It’s become a most discerning penis. It knows the difference between an ass and a mouth now, even in the dark. Well, I’ll light a candle by the bed just to be safe.
Just one more request, my dearest Patty. When you come to visit could you scratch me a check for maybe $20,000. This is embarrassing but I really need to take a year off work. I know you can afford it, darling. You’re single. You make 6 figures. I looked it up. Look, all I need is $20,000 and I can write my balls off in peace for a year. I’ll finish my novel, make you proud, and then--maybe you’ll be inspired to scratch me another check for another year, and then another, and so on. I’m going places Patty, I’m gonna be famous, and I choose you to receive the high honor of being my benefactor. Sponsor my vocation and soon I promise a little more luster will be added to your already dazzling resume. You can take Mike G’s word to the bank, Patty. After all, I inspired you to get all As. All those nights you sought comfort in my compassionate, understanding arms, all those hours my patient mouth and dick had to suffer while you studied. I made these sacrifices for you Patty--ain’t that worth a mere $20,000 a year. C’mon Patty--I licked your asshole! A lot! Well, I’m sure you’ll do the right thing and help me out. See you soon with all my love, Mike G.
PS: If you’ve remained faithful to your Catholic beliefs and remain yourself a vaginal virgin, I’m willing to help you out. I’ll marry you. It doesn’t have to be a Catholic wedding right? You just need to be married and we can have the kind of sex that will make God and the baby Jesus happy. We don’t have to live together. Neither of us wants that. We’re busy thriving in our separate lives. But God will shine upon our special time. Now. Let’s say yes to this Patty. Let’s help each other shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. Are you wet yet?